Why I Won't Buy Domino's Sugar

Domino's sugar is now offering certified carbon-free sugar.

Now for all you tree huggers, this is a moment when the sunburst through the clouds and angels sing because your movement is now moving ahead with so much steam that there are sure to be supermarkets with only hemp burgers and recyclable diapers -- thanks, Canada -- on the bamboo shelves at any moment. But as we look closer and really think of carbon-free sugar, I'm pretty sure it's impossible. "But this is certified." Yes, I know. I'm pretty sure it's impossible. Why? Well, I seem to recall, I didn't really listen in high school chemistry but when we had to stare at that damn periodic table of elements, didn't we all learn that C stood for carbon. Carbon is an element! You can't ban elements! But C was carbon. Carbon makes up a lot of things. Carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide. Us, you're a carbon-based life form. Oh, how about this one: Carbohydrate. What do you think the carbo stands for? Sugar. Sucrose is a common table sugar. It has the chemical formula of C12H22O11. I don't want to get too scientific here but after all, we're putting science in her rightful place. C12 means carbon, 12 molecules of carbon. H2211, 11 molecules of water. It's H2O times 11. So when you have carbon and water, you get carbo-hydrates, hydrates, like hydropower. Water... carbo... hydrates. So if you have no carbon in sugar, you have... hydrates. Drink a glass of water and pour that on your frickin' cake! Wow, imagine how good those hemp cookies and flaxseed frosting will taste with the new environmentally friendly green certified carbon-free sugar water that has no sugar in it!

Put some Domino's sugar in a pan on your stove and turn it on. Let it burn. What do you have? Carbon.