Tuesday, March 25, 2003

Defeat Americans in 10 Easy Steps or Your Money Back!

1. Stay away from military targets. Conduct all official business in residential areas. Build bunkers under mosques, schools and hospitals.

2. Wear civilian clothing and always mix with civilians. Use them for cover, Americans won't shoot civilians and if they do we win major media points. Even Americans don't like that.

3. Again, always hide in and shoot from houses, if Americans get close, be friendly (they won't hurt you) and thank them (wave). If you catch them off guard, shoot them.

4. Use the TV (again, thank them for leaving it on) to tell of your unbearable suffering at the hands of this great enemy. Tell how the people are starving and the Americans have cut off the Food for oil program and the hospitals desperately need supplies for your injured and sick. Once you've done this a few times , they won't dare bomb the TV studio for fear it will look like they are just trying to shut you up and keep the truth from coming out.

5. Always desribe Americans as liars, aggressors, losers, evil, snakes, devils, mercenaries, oppressors, colonizers, and crusaders. Describe yourselves as innocent, poor, starving, weak, heroes, religious, law abiding and god-fearing. The newsmedia eats this stuff up.

6. Capture as many Americans as you can, beat them and threaten them. Put them on TV to show their mothers. Show dead Americans - bonus points!

7. Describe how you are killing and running off the aggressors at every oppurtunity and are winning and make sure you make fun of them.

8. Tell of every civilian casualty with as much detail as possible. Get pictures, make sure all the press gets them. Tell of every American death as well. Make sure you don't miss any.

9. Deny any enemy win. No matter how bad it gets always say you are winning and the enemy will be defeated. Remember, vision = reality.

10. Prolong, prolong, prolong. Just keep doing these things, it will divide their country, they will tire and go away.

Honey, I'm going down to get some milk before the war starts again

I was watching CNN this morning (no choice at work) and there was an army troop (platoon? I don't know.) heading north on one of Iraq's roads, in a sandstorm, being fired on from the sides of the road by Iraqis with a reporter talking to the in-studio personalities about everything that was going on. Except for all the sand blowing around they could have been driving north on 95, complete with civilian traffic. Now, maybe it's me, but what kind of war is it that the civilians aren't afraid to go about the days business. They were shooting at them as they drove along, you could hear the gunfire, the reporter was afraid (somewhat) because he was in an unarmoured vehicle, yet Iraqi civilians were driving through. I read somewhere that during the day in Baghdad they open the stores and restaurants.

I really hope they have this planned out to perfection and are able to go in and snag these guys, because I'm not so sure we have the guts it would take to put the fear of God into them, to just take them out where they stand (hide), quick and mercilessly. We lost our chance to do it cleanly the first night, now to do the same would be messy. It would probably be best just to do it and end it now. Whatever it takes. The longer these guys are alive and on TV the worse it's gonna be.

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